If Your New Start Here

Monday, April 4, 2011

Time off

I have not been blogging much with this cycle.  It is incredible to think that I have had more pyhsical assult on my body in the last year than rest of my 27 years combined.  I underwent it voluntaily, too, because I wanted to have a child.  Yet, all the weekly tests, ultrasounds, medications, and appointments I put myself through seemed relatively minor compared to the emotional burden I put on myself.

With each mediation start, I don't think there was ever a day, or perhaps even an hour, that I didn't think about conceiving.  It is always there.  When I see a child in the car next to mine.  When my friends give life to their own children.  When I was on day 1, or day 14, and every other day of my menstrual cycle.  Whenever my husband & I made love.  Was I ever going to get pregnant?  I now have been having conflicting fantasies of what I would be like as a 60 year old woman who had never had children of her own.  Lately, I can't seem to get it out of my mind. 

I have read many stories.  Gotten many messages and words of hope.  But it all seems to float in my head.  I know it can be taken mean to say, but I feel as though you really can't understand what it's like to be infertile unless you are infertile yourself and have experiences what I've gone through.  You can sympathize, but you can't empathize with me.

Is it some cruel joke or a sign for the future that this months picture on my calendar is a mother & child?

Spring is near & I know it is a time for birth.  You will see many signs of new life all around us.  I am ready for this time of year and was hopeful that this mornings appointment would shed some new light.  This morning my nurse told me, the Bravelle is not working.  My estrogen levels only went from 66 to 74 since friday.  I will try something new, another injection, continuing on with this cycle.  I find myself wondering if it is the light at the end of the tunnel or the train coming to run me over?


  1. I'm sorry you are having a rough cycle, I have missed your posts. Hugs to you.

  2. IF is such a personal and internal struggle, I completely understand where you're coming from.

    Good luck with the switch for this cycle..I hope your calender is a sign xo

  3. So enjoyed Sunday with you and Joe. Totally loved the zany heel kick Kait moment when you revealed the Kate & 8 book, as we departed from Borders clearance sale. This is great news. I am in awe of you, to endure such trial and tribulations to conceive this child you and Joe so want. I am praying this weekend that more positive things will develope. Love your pictures. Kinda funny that such a tiny bird is gazing at such BIG eggs...Hmmmmmm. Come on follicles! Like I said you are both in my thoughts always. I too, feel your feelings of desire with everyday that I am out an about and cross paths with a tummy bump, or a dad carrying a baby carrier or little ones toddling after their mothers down the grocery aisle. I will be prayful and hope that God will bless you both soon. Hope things go well this weekend. Keep your pace low and give your body relax time. Love you guys so much.


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