Time off

I have not been blogging much with this cycle.  It is incredible to think that I have had more pyhsical assult on my body in the last year than rest of my 27 years combined.  I underwent it voluntaily, too, because I wanted to have a child.  Yet, all the weekly tests, ultrasounds, medications, and appointments I put myself through seemed relatively minor compared to the emotional burden I put on myself.

With each mediation start, I don't think there was ever a day, or perhaps even an hour, that I didn't think about conceiving.  It is always there.  When I see a child in the car next to mine.  When my friends give life to their own children.  When I was on day 1, or day 14, and every other day of my menstrual cycle.  Whenever my husband & I made love.  Was I ever going to get pregnant?  I now have been having conflicting fantasies of what I would be like as a 60 year old woman who had never had children of her own.  Lately, I can't seem to get it out of my mind. 

I have read many stories.  Gotten many messages and words of hope.  But it all seems to float in my head.  I know it can be taken mean to say, but I feel as though you really can't understand what it's like to be infertile unless you are infertile yourself and have experiences what I've gone through.  You can sympathize, but you can't empathize with me.

Is it some cruel joke or a sign for the future that this months picture on my calendar is a mother & child?

Spring is near & I know it is a time for birth.  You will see many signs of new life all around us.  I am ready for this time of year and was hopeful that this mornings appointment would shed some new light.  This morning my nurse told me, the Bravelle is not working.  My estrogen levels only went from 66 to 74 since friday.  I will try something new, another injection, continuing on with this cycle.  I find myself wondering if it is the light at the end of the tunnel or the train coming to run me over?